Your Trip to Moldova where Springtime Still Awaits (Daily Planet email #1039)
Why Moldova? This is a particular question that many Moldovans ask and has never been answered, not to anyone’s lasting satisfaction. Known historically as Hungary’s footstool, Moldova is the eighth largest country bordering Russia and implicates more that four million inhabitants, nicknamed with typical regional charm, “Moldovans.” The country is called affectionately by those still capable of affection, “The Land of Disenchantment,” or “Not Worth the Land It’s Plopped Upon,” “Where Moldova’s Day Begins,” and “Live Free or Awake.” Of course, the ever-practical Moldovans more simply label it as “The Last Stop,” or in its original Latin, “Terminus.”
In any case, and anyway certainly in your case, the cursory intimacy afforded by tourism will be substantial enough to make you soon enough an aficionado of all things Moldovan! So, while the exchange rate is low, the mountains are high and the temperatures at the lower elevations are a wet and windy 50-something, let’s hike up our spirits and go on a pogrom of discovery, shall we? Or in the piquant local idiom, “Away already, you!”
Wine: Without wine there is no point to living in Moldova, so please be assured there is a lot of it. Rated in the low 20’s by Wine Expectorator, it’s been described with fulsome approbation: “Better than that one from Belarus — phooey!” and “My pigs like it just fine plus it helps them to sleep,” and “We’re here, it’s here, this will do,” a sentiment also found on the nation’s flag. Sold by cask or case, you are under no obligation to finish your portion, but why wouldn’t you? Look around. You like consciousness so much? So drink up. “Noroc!” …Is toast.
Smoking: Smoking is mandatory in Moldova. There is no exception for medical condition because everybody has a medical condition, often from smoking. Sample the many local brands of cigarettes, such as Rooster Head, Stalin’s Long Johns, “Teething Trouble,” Fifth-Grade Tobacco Papirosi Sticks, Marlbruh Menthole, Dark Shadows, Enginue, and Soot Yourself. They taste just as good second-hand, plus cheaper. Or be like soldier and roll your own. Oh, I see — you have too many fingers to do that way. Well lucky you, count your ten blessings.
Local Sights: In this window, next to adult diapers, see the bottle of Coca-Cola that Kosmonaut Cebotari almost broke in a bar fight. This was way back in the 90’s, very historic. At the end of this alley behind that overturned tow truck, you’ll find the supposed birthplace of famous Moldovan poet, Bogdan Tcaci, also author of comedy novel and sitcom “Your death is as good as mine.” For the sightseer who is desiring less specific memories, try our single-decker bus tours (hours, itinerary, and driver BAC vary). Or take a walking tour if bus are on strike. Take a running tour if walking is unsafe. Take a virtual tour between 1 and 2 a.m. when the internet is working good. Wait in your hotel room until the all-clear siren. Or — is that the emergency siren? Wait here.
The Caves: The caves offer some of the most picturesque views in Moldova, a scene where centuries of implement-wielding couples have forever preserved their love using small knives upon the sharp, damp, impassive rock. During the war, these caves were used to hide from Nazis and later, to hide Nazis. Today, they stand as a weak, though oft-used metaphor for the corruption of the state, which is really quite tiresome, actually. And they say poetry is not dead. Due to cave gasses, smoking is limited to one pack per hour per person, children exempted.
Moldovan Food: After a vigorous day walking the Capitol Sector trying to hail a taxi, you will most certainly experience hunger. Happily, hunger is a feeling often experienced in Moldova! Why, now you are practically a native, ha-ha! Here is a guide to some of the places to eat in this Sector:
a) Restaurant Metro is the go-to destination for visitors who want to eat like locals, if the locals didn’t have their own kitchen, someone who loves them to make them good food, or any sense of taste or dietary health. Greasy soups, breaded brains with ham, locally-sourced organ pie with fried egg on top — all are excellent choices. It will taste like smoke no matter what.
2) Johnny Rocket’s Kyrgys Cars and Cake Hole — closed temporarily since 2009 but I heard it was good. You can still see the menu through the side window.
thirdly) Taco Bell — the third jewel in our gastronomial crown, Taco Bell offers food from South of the Border (not Romania, where it is said they only eat donkey) featuring likeness of ingredients as found in traditional cuisine of Mexico test kitchens. Affordable and portable dishes of exotic meat, grain, and spice. Why, Genghis Khan himself would’ve given his 18th wife’s left arm for such a repast! Tipping is accepted, but not encouraged. Nothing is encouraged in Moldova. Did you try the dessert? Just as well. No, I wouldn’t, but in the end it’s your choice.
The Cafés: On your brisk retreat back to lodgings, sneak a cursory glance through the uninviting windows of our many cafés! This particular one is favored by Latvians. Sorry, this one is just for South Estonian. Here you’ll find the tea-enjoying Gagauz, please don’t stare. This place is for Altai only. If you are an Evangelical Synod-Presbyterian, here is the coffee shop for you. Um, this transom may only be crossed by Dinamo-Auto Tiraspol FC supporters, which is sadly not you. Ah, here’s one that tourists may enter: Stirbocks. They’ll serve literally anybody. You’ll see.
As you have witnessed in our extensive and exuberant word description, a panoply of experiences are yours to be had, or vice versa, in Moldova. You don’t need shots, it’s entirely unenforced. Who cares about the health of tourists, really? Anyway, ignore the State Department reviews and come on over! Dream no more, this is the real deal. We’ll leave a light on, this one right here, you’ll be glad we did. Do you have a return ticket? …Is not important.
