What does your favorite jelly bean color say about you? #5 (Daily Planet email #1041)

Etruscan Dun: I know you’re hoping for something trenchant, observant, and because you’re optimistic, optimistic. But this isn’t the way with this color or this bean. It’s more like a tooth on a circular saw, small and one of many. Does it make a noise? Yes. Does it matter? Yes, it does. Does it hurt when used incorrectly? Certainly. As it is with you.

Presumptive Puce: You will achieve easy victory in the Battle of Blurring Balm Powder and the Pearlescent Bronzer Campaign. However, in the siege of Skin Peel you arrive to find the city abandoned and aflame. Exhausted and crestfallen in the dead of winter, you return with only 20% hydration and a sad, sodden blowout.

Sang de serviteur: Nourishment that nourishes not brings great misfortune. Close to misfortune, you nevertheless are happy. It is best to overcome dangers by gradual means. Go forward, aware of the dangers. Bright yellow sunlight, the middle way, the golden mean. No regrets.

Rouge de Mer: You will be the less charming co-hostess of a bridge tea for the Arthur Buhls and entertain the assembled with a little verse from your scrapbook. When that doesn’t work, you try playing the piano but you get flustered and forget to lift the key lid. Then Miss Peggy Ainsworth saves the day by bringing out the Mr. Microphone and all is forgotten except by you and a lyrical self-abnegation in your scrapbook.

Cuisse de Nymphe émue: You will fall madly in love with ___Kyle__ and get married in a __shotgun wedding_ . The happy couple will move into a __thousand__ bedroom _dumpster_ in the suburbs of __the Bugulma Belebey Upland west of the Urals_, where you will have __a buttload___ of children and your favorites will be __Persephone_ the _longshoreman__ and _Larry__ the _sandwich artist_ .

Hale Poplin: This color means nothing. The fact you like it and aren’t afraid to say so is kind of kitchen-table daring, but it doesn’t mean anything. Honestly, we’ve checked in Quora and The Upanishads and your Enneagram and the back of Doctor Bronner’s Soap and come up all goose egg. Don’t be discouraged, not here. Everybody likes something, but why this?

Whelmish Travertine: You have chosen the very best color, such is the way of your fabulous taste. I knew you were a discerning aesthete the moment you entered our atelier. Would you like the gold package? Gethsemane gardenia cryofacial? A hot Peep scrub? A diamond-quilted lambskin leather bag with gold-plated hardware? For a small upgrade, we could have somebody chew it for you. There’s no need to limit your self-care, not when you’ve worked this hard.

Upstate Heliotrope: Like sands of time through the hourglass, so are the number of jelly beans you can eat in one sitting. That’s why they make them in different colors, in order to slow you down with mild intrigue. Doesn’t really work though, not even for the very young. Sugar rules all. Yet, you are partial to the purple and maybe it’s a Lenten nod or predisposition to Grimace, but it’s more likely you are convinced it tastes a little like Grape Tang, which means you are trying to capture your childhood with every bite and that’s not really news, is it?