Trend Settler (Daily Planet email #1045)

I used to whip. I used to nae nae. I used to smoke and drink and dance the hootchie-koo. I used to Harlem shake, shuffle, and furniture. I was a dab hand at dabbing. I used to rake muck, thump tubs, crush it and nail it. I used to be so amused. I used to lie in a court of law, considering the lilies of the field. I used to raise questions into fully-grown uncertainties, making sure we were unsure. I got kicked out of Eden with nothing but the clothes on my back and it wasn’t even my fault. If you know you don’t care (IYKYDC).

Yeah I was kung fu fighting, like everybody. I did the hustle as encouraged. I was the original one-man flash mob. Sure I fed the chicken NyQuil, she sounded wheezy. It didn’t help my Tamagotchi at all, though. Man, I was mean but I’m changing my scene. I took the midnight train going anywhere, but in the end, it only went somewhere. I hit the quan, consensually — I was a very strange, enchanted boy. Do you want a collection of Tide POGs?

I never planked or flagpole sat. I never neither a borrower or a lender been. Didn’t help nobody out with a bucket of water on my head. No one attended my gender reveal party (spoiler alert: male). I skipped the light Fandango. I remained mute on the topic of the Pompatus of Love. I didn’t shoot the sheriff mostly because I was in charge of the deputy. I eschewed the St. Vitus’ Dance Challenge. One hop this time.

Here’s what I do do. I eat and sleep and cuss. I know where the time goes, why the caged bird sings, who’ll stop the rain, and the way to San Jose. I am the major model of a very general modern. I climb way up to the top of the stairs and all my cares just drift right into space. And, and! It’s super important that I tell you this: I literally vibe with my authentic best self, low-key.