The Race for the Battle of the Soul of Kardashianopticon, et al. (Daily Planet email #886)

Elijah Del’Abrio Nebuchanezzar Swiffer Five terHorst Kardashian Jr. is, first and foremost, legally forbidden from using their name in any for-profit endeavor. Thus denied access to the family business of famous fame for celebrity name, EDNS5tHK2 (for short) was forced into honest labor, posting anonymous pictures of attractive meals on the world wide web and hanging out in the supermarket as a checkout line influencer (“Mmm, that looks good.” “California Almonds, so on-trend!” “Hey guys, I’m super-into saffron these days.”). Their pronouns are Yer Highness, Yo Bub, and brainless’.

Queen Toffifay Ribena “K-Dog” Kardashian was born in a crossfire hurricane. Older than me, does she still feel the pain? She was found caught beneath the landslide of a champagne supernova, in the sky. When will they ever learn? When will they learn?

Ferdinand Kardashian is a cow, a Scottish bull to be precise. He is extremely partial to alfalfa fields and has the cutest big ol’ wet nose. He is trying to do his part to reduce methane emissions, so if you see him walking funny, that’s the why of it.

Eula Toc Sla Kardashian is the only person (ever!) to have won Cake Boss, Dancing with the Stars, Ice Road Truckers and Who Wants to Marry a Frigidaire? Currently ranked 283 on the list of Things That Don’t Matter, right ahead of the entire British royal family and just behind Ten Expert Life Hacks to Remove Sock Lint from Between Your Toes. Virtual book signing tonight! Check your local listings.

Coco Shebang (née Kardashian) dots her I’s with hearts and her semicolons are tiny gallbladders. She is fruit forward, but balanced. Though an expert at converting consequence back into action, it was, after all, the things she didn’t do which established her genius. Xanadu, Small Wonder, Grease 2, the list goes on but the listing does not. Often imitated, usually in an exaggerated fashion without any respect whatsoever.

As a lad of six summers, Sir Wesleybridge Mandlebrot Kardashian fell from a lime tree onto a railroad spike and became a non-practicing chess prodigy. He majored in Kvetching at Princeton County Tech (currently known as the vaccination center where the Venture used to be). He died at the age of 950, leaving his sons (and, presumably, daughters??) to carry on the family business of begetting. Rumored to have perhaps used alcohol and drugs as an escape from his frustration with the laxity of the Medieval Inquisition. No judgment, just sayin’. Had to be there.

Trapped together in a Swiss avalanche, Wilhelmine (the Sea Witch) Kardashian slept with Chuck, resulting in a son, Palmer John. Denying paternity, Chuck went undercover as his half brother Whit, who had until then been presumed dead at the hands of the Salem strangler. Young Palmer John, in a baby switch gone wrong, is implanted with a mind control device and hidden away in the base of the Ice Princess until he is unwillingly exhumed as the sole heir to the highly-leveraged Cunningham Fortune, all but depleted in a Potsie scheme.

Thalya Kardashian is reading this now, so just cool it. I got nothing to say, nothing worth mentioning here. DM me.

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Matthew Hane

The falling anvil development team. The proportions of a pleasing error. Did we do it for money? Heavens, no. We did not.