No Little Plans (Daily Planet email #874)

We’re gonna need a bigger boat. Bigger boats go faster, right? No, further? Farther. Let’s say if somebody wanted to get far away and soon, by way of water as opposed to a land route, what kind of boat might that person choose? In order to achieve success? Don’t tell me it’s a trade-off, I’m asking an expert in order not to be confused. I think the question is pretty darn simple. Never mind, I’m gonna go with my gut and say bigger and never you mind what that says about my gut.

We’re gonna need a bigger boat. For longer-lasting, more satisfying seafaring. For all my friends, for when I get some. For all those fish we keep bringing in. Plus a couple dozen drying racks for all them loaves. We’re gonna need bigger curtains for the galley, and a new rug to match. Pillows as well. We’re gonna need a bigger liquor cabinet and a bigger television in case the ocean gets boring. First though, we’ll need any kind of boat at all to establish some sort of baseline for bigger. The sooner the better, we can’t stand here on this water forever. Are you getting all of this? You’re gonna need a bigger pad.

Ooh, these crowds are getting bigger. We’re gonna need a bigger fence to protect our bigger boat while we’re in dry-dock festooning the saloon and bedecking the deck. We’re gonna need a bigger doublewide as a temporary shelter. We’re gonna need a bigger BBQ while the kitchen’s getting biggered. We’re gonna need a bigger bed. For our bigger dreams, silly! We’re gonna need a bigger emptiness to keep all this stuff.

We’re gonna need a bigger space to celebrate our victory of bigger, ’cause bigger is always better, right? Let’s call the VFW hall, I hear they got a bigger pour. They got a band there? A big band? A bigger band? Yes!! We’re gonna need a bigger tambourine. Bigger chairs, for the modern physique. Bigger earplugs for our bigger ears. Bigger flags for a bigger wind. Bigger doors, as befit our exit strategy.

So much pain! We’re gonna need bigger treats. So much rancor! We’re gonna need a bigger target! So much suffering! We’re gonna need a bigger God! — Oh, this one’s scalable? Awesome. We’re gonna need a bigger heart, there’s some big ideas coming down the pike, whatever a pike is. Is it one of the fish? Then I am so glad I chose the bigger boat! Man, this is such hard work, I’m gonna need a Bigger Gulp.

Ugh! …None of this is working. We’re gonna need a smaller brain. Aah! …There. That’s better.

The falling anvil development team. The proportions of a pleasing error. Did we do it for money? Heavens, no. We did not.