Father’s Day 2022 (Daily Planet email #948)
Well, lookee, it’s a Father’s Day 2022 gift ideas list, which is quite different from a wish list, this one’s non-consensual because it’s supposed to be a surprise, but within a reasonable context oh for heaven’s sake, here:
iPop, the World’s Fastest 5G Fathering Device, now with GrillMode and Just a Minute®.
USB Brain Fart Deodorizer.
A day without campaign ads. In fact, even a few seconds will do.
More striped shirts, like my father’s and my father’s father’s, since time immemorial.
RxCredits, the gift that keeps you living.
Bring him back that miter saw you borrowed, for starters.
New 4D EyeVisors with 5GPS, for stylish and safe cruising in the landspeeder without getting bugs in your face.
A laser-etched 16-ounce wooden baseball-bat mug, it says something nice on it, probably.
New curtains for the van.
A poster of Genghis Khan that says “Most Dad Ever”
Some fishing thing, I don’t know. Here, maybe this?
A new tattoo with a heart and the word “Pizza.”
ShizBit Smart Watch that lets you know when your BAC gets too low, among other numbers numbers stats whatever
A functional, charitable, and stylish t-shirt from giveashi*t. Don’t settle for limitations.
Remote control beverage cooler.
A gift card for ten car washes, ’cause, like, fun! As fun as clean gutters.
A wall clock that just says LATE 12x instead of numbers. The hands move too slow, or fast, who can ever know?
A sirloin meal pill, just like in the Jetsons, because this is the future, and who’s got time?
Top Pop Flip Flops Pop Top: Flip flops with an attached bottle opener, with an inspiring message about #1 Dad, etc.
Aromatherapy pack: Serenity (lawn), Energy (wild bear), Focus (gas leak), Mindfulness (out of stock), plus one that’s just plain Bourbon.
Just some space, man. Just some …space.