Consarnit (Daily Planet email #997)

Howdy, Cal. How you doing?

‘Morning Karl. Can’t complain. ’N you?

Just fine, thanks for asking. Reckon it’s shaping up to be a nice day.

Yup.

Hey, Cal… you liking anything particular at the picture show?

Reckon I’m partial to “Rose of the Rancho.” Mighty entertaining.

Just wonderin’. You got any brothers or sisters?

Three of one, four of the other.

Any of them pregnant, by chance?

None of the brothers, but two of the sisters are, so far as I know.

An’ when you get them saddle sores, what brand of ointment do you find most efficacious?

(looking slowly over) Uh, Karl — what’s up with all them questions?

Ha, can’t pull nothing over on you Cal, can I now? I got me one’a them side hustles, all freelance-like. This consortium from out West, they go by the name of Meta, askit me to askit around an’ learn a little something about my friends for them.

Why in the hell do they want you to do that for?

You know, to be honest, I ain’t never even stopped to wonder. Funny that.

If’n you ask me, it dun’t seem quite above board.

Hold up, I got it written on this here piece of paper. Lessee now. They’re fittin’ to use these learnings to “personalize content and recommendations, to connect with integrated partners, and to research and innovate for social good.”

Can’t say as I understand all them words, but what I do understand I don’t like.

But Cal, it’s just movies and family and ointments and stuff. What’s the big fuss?

You gonna pilfer the details of my life and hand them over to a buncha strangers?

But it’s not just you, it’s all these folk, folks walking up and down the street here.

Well, it seems a right duplicitous endeavor, rooting about in the business of others, tryna make a buck.

Oh, I don’t know about all that. I find it kinda neighborly. Don’t you like it when people take an interest?

Sure, but the right people. With a kind interest.

(thoughtful pause) …Would you like to see a picture of my cat?

Can’t say as I would.

How about a photograph of the beer I had at the saloon last week when I went to Waleetka?

Now why would I want you to show me a beer I can’t drink?

…Hey Cal. Know what? I heard you talking to Willie the other day ‘bout how you was due for some new boots. I got a pair a’ recommendations here for reputable footwear purveyors…

(saddling up) Let me tell you what, Karl. I’m gonna go for a ride, check the fence line, and when I get back, you better be quiet or gone or else you ’n me are gonna have words.

Sure, sure, Cal. No sense gettin’ ornery about it. ‘Fore you go though — what color you figure this dress is?

(riding off) Sorry Karl, can’t hear you! (further away) …Don’t follow me!