America 2021 (Daily Planet email 898)

Would you like to go to America?

No way. They got guns there.

Probably not everybody?

Only takes one. It’s scary.

Mostly they shoot each other. Hardly any tourists.

They’re crazy over there.

What, each and everybody?

Pure insanity.

What about the person who makes you coffee? The county land surveyor? The fellow at the hardware store?

Fifty percent of them is nuts and that’s way too many for me.

People are not the news.

The news is just the highlights! Who knows what the rest of them are up to?

You ever meet one?


I’ve heard they’re nice.

Me too.

You know, I heard if you get sick there, you have to pay for everything.

Not if you have insurance.

Who pays for that?

Uh, you do. Your job, a bit, if you’re lucky.

Get sick, get poor. It’s sadistic.

Kind of makes you wonder what government is for…?

To make you wear seatbelts?

To ensure food safety?

To adjudicate cake decorations?

Ha, ha! To prevent you from certain medical procedures?

To protect you from other goverments?

To generate debt for future generations?

Yes!! To enrich the rich?

To keep the poor poor?!

To create the weather, then send you to the basement when it gets “out of control?”

Ha ha good one. …you’re serious?

I dunno.

Here’s one I heard. A vaccine was invented to protect people from a deadly global pandemic, and they offered it to every American adult, no deductible co-pay concierge HMO PPO EPO HSA idiocy, just a plain old “come and get it,” and you know what? — Twenty-five percent of them said No, we don’t want any! Pure insanity.

Land of the free?

Home of the grave.

So you don’t want to see America.

Too rich for my blood.

Don’t you want to see the Grand Canyon?

Big hole.

Disney World?

Corporate jollies.

New York City?

Five boroughs of craycray.

Road trip?

Does it matter what color my skin is?


Forget it!

What do you want to see?

I want to see a moral and resolute cowboy working the frontier, or a group of can-do American soldiers from all walks of life putting aside their differences to fight tyranny, or one unlikely individual standing up against the odds and institutional injustice. I want to see young love and optimistic song in a malt shop, carefree bridesmaids under palm trees, or a female impersonator delivering an amusing and inspiring message about how we can all help one another and live better.

…You want to see a movie.

An American movie.

Let’s go see a movie.

All right, then.




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Matthew Hane

The falling anvil development team. The proportions of a pleasing error. Did we do it for money? Heavens, no. We did not.