A Deal By Any Other Name (Daily Planet email #1036)
My name is Jeannette McCrain and I know a deal when I see one. It’s like a seventh sense, a huntress’ intuition on the ruthless savannah of commerce. So when I saw a rhinestone decor lace stitching V Neck Casual long sleeve t-shirt top online for $2.24, I knew it would be mine. Taking advantage of the free shipping but foregoing the four interest-free payments of 56 cents, I knew that in six to twenty days, I would be ready for Spring or Summer, whichever came first. So there I was some days later, at the mirror modeling my better-than-expected awesome flattering comfy top, when all my apps go off at once. The ones that spend money are spending money and the ones that warn me about spending money are making their agitated chirp. Hmm. It seems I have been the victim of an identity theft — mine! This could end up being a real hassle, especially when it comes to shopping. You know, it might just be easier to change my identity.
My name is Rosa Sorensen, horse trainer and cruise ship purser, and I know a deal when I see one. Like this 8mm wide inlaid black dragon pattern blue tungsten carbide fiber ring. I know it’s men’s size, but my hands are big, OK? Like you’re so perfect. So imagine my surprise when, admiring my amazing sturdy lite quality ring while browsing smart doorbells, personal massagers, and adhesives & sealers, I receive a message that my identity has been stolen again. Like Einstein said, “The measure of intelligence is the ability to change.” And so: another deal, another identity.
My name is Aoibheann Chevez Cohen, sensei to the stars and part-time logistics specialist, and I know a deal when I see one. So at the DMV when they’re like, “Weren’t you just here last week?” I say that must have been somebody else with an amazing color block boat neck knit long sleeve viscose/polyester/polyamide blend sweater by Dancerdong Clothing ($9.76). But only ninety minutes later, I have no sooner put the key back in the ignition when the usual happens. It’s Equifax again. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me thrice, shame on all y’all. Back to the dark web it is.
Our names are Millicent and Mayvellene Wackenthaler and we are twins who know a deal when we see one, or two. One of us shops and the other maintains their identity and in this way, we maintain maximum effectivity — oh, rats, another LifeLock notification! OK, and with our sister Shamonteil Heverdejs, we are triplets who know how to find — aw nuts! Fine. We are manifold sisters whose names are generally undisclosed but sometimes contain the letter M, who together create one, multifaceted, singular, infinite panoply of deal. We are express shipping, We are comfy. We are 100 percent yes. We are better-than-expected.
